There had been many occasions in the past week when she’d felt nothing but an overwhelming mixture of guilt and shame.
Lindsey’s breathing came slow and steady and she watched as he shuffled closer to her on their hotel bed, rolling onto his side and one of his hands finding a natural resting place on the bared breast closest to him. Some things never changed. Certainly, even with promises and good intentions, the conclusion to them spending a significant period of time together never seemed to change… They’d managed an entire month on tour before falling back into bad (?) habits and, even though she knew both of them would probably have a big argument about the whys and what fors and what nows of this latest affair at some point, for now she simply wanted to watch her lover sleep. Stevie ran her fingers through Lindsey’s loose grey curls, smiling at his twitching when she then ran her thumb along the shell of his ear. So sensitive, her man.
The bed was large and white and foreign but the presence beside her wasn’t. In a fit of reminiscing last night, they’d made their experience even more tantalizing close to their charmed memories of youth, and had enlisted Karen’s help in pulling the heavy mattress and bedding down onto the floor in their shared suite. Laying still and satisfied beside each other after they’d made love, hands clasped tightly between them, they had both shut their eyes and simply talked of whatever came to mind first, easy and free conversation that she’d craved for so long. Lindsey had given her a hand massage at two am in the morning and she’d moaned and groaned and complimented his skills until he shut her mouth up with his soft lips, murmuring nonsense at her about what a dreadful tease she was, how shameless she was.
But she did feel shame. She’d never really had a moral compass which made her conscience unbearably uncomfortable at having sex with married men but this, this was different. This was Lindsey. And he was married to someone else.
In all the dreams she’d held tucked away in her heart for the both of them, an occasional tour hook-up with a married (to another woman) Lindsey had never been top of the list… As she tried to ignore the muddle of thoughts running through her head - where was her notebook and pen when she needed it? - Lindsey’s hand fell down to her waist and pulled her in closer. She went, allowing his body to cradle hers comfortably, his strong arms wrapping around her.
She kissed his bare shoulder, once, twice, and smiled as he shivered slightly in his sleep. He always responded to her. Of course, that was part of the problem… That was the cause of this current situation, him responding to hearing her cries, seeing her tears, comforting her. Emotional intimacy was a dangerous thing and apparently physical intimacy was its inevitable bedfellow. Yawning, Stevie closed her eyes and attempted to sink into the deep sleep and pleasant dreams which were eluding her pursuit.
Her chase for the dream would never be over. But the dream had been corrupted by two matching rings and the fractured pieces of it lay in their hotel room, trying to be enough.
It would never be enough.